my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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