i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
