He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
