last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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