I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
