I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
