im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
