i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
COCAINE IS GR8
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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