I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
