I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
