i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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