i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
where are my eyebrows?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
