I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can vaginas get frostbite?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
