dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
