i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
