You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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