So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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