I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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