My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
