life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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