My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
