dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
