Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
