I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
