I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
