god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
