if you like me you must not know who I am
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
