Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So much Jack, so little girl.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
