omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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