I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
