4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
