A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
