Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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