i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
