So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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