im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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