What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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