life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
