Your mouth is God's brothel.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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