I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
