i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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