just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
