I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
