i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize