i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
