Non-Jews are for practice
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
