the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
