Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
