When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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