I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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