Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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