Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
