So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize