He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She tied me up with her honor cords...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize