o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
