If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
