Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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