how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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