May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
