Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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