some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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