He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
