Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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