My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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