i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
