Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
