I faked an abortion last night.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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