remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
