I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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