I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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