I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
