Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My liver just had a heart attack.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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