my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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