Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
