Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I smell like Dick and happiness
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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