He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
