Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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