No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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