It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
