Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he fucked my hip out of place.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
