i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
