I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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